Humor

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Revised: Thursday, 18 January 2007

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Humour . . .

Stare closely at the picture
eventually you will see a giraffe
come into focus.

When you are in deep trouble,
say nothing, and try to look like
you know what you're doing .

Workplace stress

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?”‘
"It's not unusual."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

Silly ideas . . .

“Heavier than-air flying machines are impossible”
Lord Kelvin, British mathematician, physicist, and president of the British Royal Society, c.1895

“With over fifty foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn’t likely to carve out a big slice of the US market for itself.”
Business Week, 2 August 1968

“A severe depression like that of 1920-1921 is outside the range of probability.”
The Harvard Economic Society, 16 November 1929

“I think there is a world market for about five computers.”
Thomas J. Watson, chairman IBM, 1943

“There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.”
Ken Olson, president, Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977

“We don’t like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.”
Decca Recording Co. Executive, turning down the Beatles in 1962

“The phonograph ... is not of any commercial value.”
Thomas Alva Edison, inventor of the phonograph, c. 1880

“No matter what happens, the US Navy is not going to be caught napping.”
Frank Knox, Secretary of the Navy, 4 December 1941, just before the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor

“They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist....”
General John B. Sedgwick, last words. Battle of Spotsylvania, 1864

Marketing explained . . .

You see a handsome man at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous man. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising.

You see a handsome man at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome man. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to him and pour him a drink. You open the door for him, pick up his bag after he drops it, offer him a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome man. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.

Writing style . . .

Avoid clichés like the plague.
Don't use a large word when a diminutive one will do.
Avoid run-on sentences, they are hard to read.
Avoid commas, that are unnecessary.
No sentence fragments.
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with
Proofread carefully to see if you any words.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction

Spelling . . .

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I cannot sea.

I've run this pome threw it,
I'm sure your pleased two no,
It's letter perfect in every weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.

Guidelines . . .

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Don't worry about what other people think, they don't do it very often.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit and die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.